I’m a mom of three kiddos, each at their own unique life stage, and let me tell you—parenting teens is like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube that keeps changing colors. Just when you think you’ve got one figured out, the next one comes along and—BAM!—a new set of rules. Experts from Psychology Today tell us that adolescence is a time of emotional whirlwinds and mental gymnastics.

In this article, I’m blending my own zigzagging experiences with some solid advice from the pros. Whether you’re a rookie in the teen parenting game or a seasoned (?) mom like me (still getting schooled on parenting, by the way), there’s something here for everyone.

Ready to dive in? Let’s unravel the mysteries of the teen years together, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all come out a little wiser on the other side.

In this blog:

The emotional spectrum

When it comes to the emotional ups and downs of my teens, it’s like each one took a different “How to Be a Teenager” course. My eldest daughter blossomed into an outgoing social butterfly in high school. She was the poster child for “no worries” parenting—always letting me know where she was and who she was with. Smooth sailing? You bet.

Then came daughter number two. She turned inward, and it took me a while to realize she was being bullied. Homeschooling became our go-to, and let me tell you, being with her 24/7 was no walk in the park. Was it teenage angst or her bipolar disorder acting up? Your guess is as good as mine.

And oh boy, my son. If I thought I had the teenage years down with my girls, he’s here to prove me wrong. He’s a mixed bag of emotions—quick to boast, quicker to sulk. He snaps at me, forgets chores like he’s got a goldfish memory, and makes me wonder if he’s going through early-onset old age.

What do the experts say?

According to Psychology Today, adolescence is a transformative period filled with emotional and psychological shifts. No kidding, right? High school alone seems to flip a switch in them.

Your Teen Mag says it’s normal for teens to drift away from family and focus more on friendships. My son, who used to shower me with hugs and kisses even in public, now wouldn’t do it for all the money in the world—well, maybe at home, but definitely not in public.

And WebMD assures us that these emotional rollercoasters—err, let’s call them “emotional zigzags”—are a normal part of their journey toward independence. So, I guess letting them have their space while keeping tabs on them wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Or was it?

I think all parents have their own unique set of rules and coping strategies; it’s always good to be prepared. Striking a balance between freedom and rules is my go-to approach. I require my kids to shoot me a text when they get to where they’re going. And punctuality? Non-negotiable. Sure, it might make some folks scratch their heads, but hey, it keeps the chaos at bay. So, go ahead and craft your own game plan—you’ll thank yourself later!

The shift in parenting style

What’s my parenting style? Well, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. I’m not hovering over my kids like a drone, but I’m also not so hands-off that they’re running wild. We have real conversations, like two adults at a coffee shop discussing the latest episode of a Netflix series. A friend once asked me, “Why do you talk to your kids like they’re your peers?” Honestly, maybe it’s because I became a mom at a young age. 

Now, some folks might hear us and think, “Wow, those kids have no respect for their mom.” But that’s how we roll in the family. In our household, respect isn’t about using formal language or throwing in a ‘po’ and ‘opo’ (that’s a Filipino thing, by the way). It’s about listening to each other. It’s about valuing each other’s opinions, even if they come from a 13-year-old who thinks he knows everything.

When my kids became teenagers, I didn’t change this approach. If anything, I leaned into it even more. I’d ask them, “Is my anger valid?” or “If you were a third person looking at this situation, would you say I was wrong to get mad?” And you know what? It works. They may not say sorry outright, but their behavior changes, even if it’s just for a little while before they revert to their usual teen antics.

What do the experts say?

Psychology Today suggests that parents should focus on their child’s interests and hobbies to open new paths of communication. WebMD advises finding a balance between obedience and freedom. Too much discipline can stifle your teen’s development, while too little can leave them without the structure they need.  Your Teen Mag advises parents to be prepared for a shift in their teen’s social focus—yes, they’ll prefer their friends over you, but that’s okay. 

So, if you also think, “Hey, I’m not doing too shabby” like I do, give yourself a pat on the back. But don’t get too comfy—there’s always room to up your game. I learned that letting my son dive deep into his music passion is a win-win for us. He’s happy, I’m proud, and we both get to jam out. My idea is that as long as my kids are happy and making good choices, I’m good. If they choose their friends over me, it’s no biggie, as long as I know who they’re hanging with and where they are. Trust me, you’re doing alright!

Risk-taking and rebellion

I have to admit, I’ve been pretty fortunate when it comes to the risk-taking and rebellious stages of teenagehood. My kids haven’t exactly been the poster children for teenage rebellion. Sure, they question me if they find my requests unreasonable, but they don’t outright defy me. Even with two of my kids having bipolar disorder, their manic stages haven’t led them to take dangerous risks just for the thrill of it. Although they’ve had their moments of self-harm during depressive episodes, that’s a different issue altogether and not really a form of rebellion or risk-taking.

What do the experts say?

Since I don’t have firsthand experience with rebellious or risk-taking behavior, let’s turn to the experts for some insights. According to Psychology Today, risk-taking is a natural part of adolescence. It’s how teens learn about themselves and the world around them. However, it’s crucial for parents to distinguish between healthy risk-taking (like trying out for a sports team) and dangerous behavior (like substance abuse).

WebMD suggests that parents should set clear boundaries and expectations. Make sure your teen knows the family rules and the consequences for breaking them. Open communication is key; let your teen know they can always talk to you about anything, even if they’ve messed up.

Your Teen Mag advises parents to pick their battles wisely. Not every act of rebellion is a cry for help or a sign of impending doom. Sometimes, it’s just a teen being a teen. Knowing when to step in and when to let go is crucial for maintaining a healthy parent-teen relationship.

So, even if you’re like me and haven’t had to deal with the wild side of teenage rebellion, it’s good to be prepared. You never know when your teen might surprise you, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

The “I don’t care” phase

Ah, the infamous “I don’t care” phase. You know, the one where your teen seems to have zero interest in anything other than their phone or video games? Well, that’s a chapter we’ve mostly skipped in my household. Apathy? That’s more my jam, not my kids’.

My children may look like they’re holed up in their rooms all day, but don’t let that fool you. They’re nosy—like, really nosy. They’ll read something in the news and then burst into my room, ready to dissect the issue. My son, in particular, comes armed with his own brand of teenage angst. They’re the type to give you that “What’s happening?” or “Who’s that?” look when they see something unusual, like my mom getting upset or a stranger visiting. And once the coast is clear, they’ll come to me for the full scoop. They’re curious little investigators, always wanting to know what’s going on. It’s a bit weird, but hey, I’ll take it.

What do the experts say?

Since my experience doesn’t quite align with stereotypical teenage apathy, let’s see what the experts have to say. According to Psychology Today, a teen’s apathy could be a sign of underlying issues like depression or anxiety. It’s crucial to differentiate between typical teenage disinterest and something more serious.

WebMD suggests that if your teen seems disinterested, it might be a good idea to engage them in activities that they used to enjoy or explore new hobbies together. Sometimes, reigniting an old passion can snap them out of their apathetic state.

Your Teen Mag advises parents not to take their teen’s apathy personally. It’s often just a phase, and pushing too hard for them to care can backfire. The key is to be available and supportive, offering guidance when asked but also giving them the space they need.

So, even if you’re lucky like me and haven’t had to go through the murky waters of teenage apathy, it’s good to know what signs to look out for and how to handle them if they do arise.

The importance of appearance

Ah, the teenage years—a time when appearance suddenly takes center stage. My son has been a budding fashionista since he was four years old. Seriously, the kid has taste. He’ll even call me out if my outfit doesn’t meet his high standards. But it’s my daughters who’ve had a more complicated relationship with appearance. Both are on the heavier side, and this has posed its own set of challenges. They want to dress up, but their options are limited, which has led to moments of sadness and even avoiding social outings. Thankfully, as they’ve grown older, they’ve adopted a “wear what you want” attitude, and I couldn’t be prouder.

What do the experts say?

So, why does appearance become such a big deal during the teenage years? According to Psychology Today, this focus on appearance is linked to a teen’s developing sense of identity. How they present themselves to the world becomes a way of defining who they are or who they want to be.

WebMD points out that this stage can be particularly challenging for teens who don’t fit societal norms of beauty. The pressure to conform can lead to self-esteem issues and even depression. Parents should be supportive and encourage their teens to express themselves in a way that makes them comfortable, rather than fitting into a mold.

Your Teen Mag suggests that parents should be open to their teen’s changing style, even if it’s not to their taste. Criticizing their choices can lead to conflict and may even harm their self-esteem. The key is to be supportive while also setting appropriate boundaries, like school dress codes.

So, whether your teen is a fashionista like my son or struggling with body image issues like my daughters, it’s crucial to be supportive and understanding. Their focus on appearance isn’t just a phase; it’s a critical part of their journey to adulthood.

Social media and mental health

Ah, mental health. In my household, it’s a topic that we can’t ignore, especially given that two of my daughters have bipolar disorder. Their teenage years have been a complex interplay of emotional highs and lows. I’ve even had to hospitalize my second daughter due to her condition. It’s as if their transition into adolescence activated their mental health issues, and these issues seem to flare up when they leave home for boarding school (my second daughter) and college (my eldest).

As for social media, well, you might think it would be a big part of their lives, but surprisingly, it’s not. My son is more into posting his music reels than scrolling through endless feeds. My eldest daughter enjoys TikTok and Instagram, but it doesn’t consume her life. As for my second daughter, she’s more likely to be found reading fan fiction than updating her Facebook status.

What do the experts say?

So, what’s the relationship between social media and teen mental health? According to Psychology Today, excessive social media use can lead to increased feelings of anxiety, depression, and loneliness. It can also contribute to sleep deprivation, which exacerbates mental health issues.

WebMD warns that social media can be a breeding ground for cyberbullying, which can have severe consequences for a teen’s mental well-being. The anonymity provided by these platforms often emboldens individuals to engage in harmful behavior.

Your Teen Mag suggests that parents should monitor their teen’s social media usage and be aware of the signs of cyberbullying or other harmful activities. Open communication about what they’re experiencing online is crucial.

Given my daughters’ mental health conditions, I consider myself fortunate that they aren’t heavy social media users. But for parents dealing with similar issues, it’s essential to keep an eye on your teen’s online activities. Social media can be a fun way for teens to express themselves and connect with friends, but it can also be a minefield that parents need to help them navigate carefully.

Conflict and communication

Ah, the art of communication—or should I say, the struggle? Even though we’re a chatty bunch, there are times when getting through to each other feels like pulling teeth. Take my son, for instance. Calling him for a family meeting is like waiting for a watched pot to boil; he takes his sweet time, even though his room is just next door.

And then there’s me. When my depression kicks in, it’s like I’m wearing noise-cancelling headphones. Nothing my kids say seems reasonable, and it’s hard for me to listen, let alone respond.

Conflicts usually arise between me and my son, perhaps because my daughters have outgrown their teenage angst. When tensions flare, my eldest daughter steps in as the peacemaker. She’s the translator, the mediator, and the one who breaks down what each of us is trying to say. It’s like she’s explaining to children why their sibling or parent is acting a certain way. But when the conflict involves her and me, the house falls silent. My other kids are wary of her, and we all tread lightly, aware of each other’s mental health conditions.

In our family, we see each other as strong yet fragile, especially given our mental health issues. So we either talk things out before they escalate or we keep quiet, letting the dust settle before revisiting the issue.

What do the experts say?

So what’s the expert take on managing conflicts and maintaining open communication with teens? According to Psychology Today, it’s crucial to create a safe space where your teen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. WebMD suggests using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, which can shut down communication. Your Teen Mag emphasizes the importance of active listening—something that’s easier said than done but can make a world of difference.

In our home, we have created a safe space for each other. But I must admit, we’re still learning and growing. But one thing’s for sure: communication is key, even when it’s the hardest thing to do.

Completing the teenage puzzle

As we come to the end of this exploration through the teen years, it’s evident that each child is a unique puzzle, requiring a tailored approach. From emotional ups and downs to the complexities of appearance and the challenges of social media, parenting a teen is a multifaceted endeavor.

So, what’s the takeaway for me as a mom? It’s that imperfection is okay. It’s fine to seek expert advice while also listening to your own instincts. Mistakes are part of the process, and they offer valuable lessons for both you and your teen. Most crucially, it’s essential to find the right balance between holding on and letting go.

In my family, we’re still figuring things out. We have our moments of conflict and miscommunication, but we also share a deep bond of love and a willingness to adapt and grow. We’re a team, and while we may not have it all together, together we have it all.

So here’s to all the parents out there piecing together this intricate puzzle called adolescence. You’re not alone, and you’re doing a fantastic job. Keep talking, keep loving, and remember to take a breather for yourself now and then.

Cheers to mastering the art of parenting through the teen years!

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